On October 25, 2013, I woke up excited about the impending arrival of our 3rd baby girl, Sadie Claire. I was exactly 38 weeks and had been having some contractions off and on. I was thrilled thinking she might be making her arrival soon! However, throughout the day, I began to notice that I had not felt her move. Chasing a 3 year old and 2 year old, I just assumed that I had been too distracted to notice. We went shopping for Papa's birthday and then met Josh for lunch at Brookshire's Park. The girls were playing and it was a beautiful day. I told Josh about her lack of movement, but we both felt like there was a reasonable explanation. I was still having some contractions and we honestly just thought she was preparing for labor. We had a sonogram a few days earlier and my regular doctor's appointment the day before, all showing that she was perfect. Because of this, we really wouldn't let our minds go to anything actually being wrong. I came home and put the girls down for naps and begin trying to focus on her moving. Josh had run to get the tires rotated on the car. As the afternoon went on, I began to get more and more unsettled. I called my sister-in-law who is a labor and delivery nurse and she recommended if I didn't feel movement soon, I should go get her checked. When Josh got home, I still had not felt her so we decided to go to the hospital. My mom arrived to keep the girls and we headed that way, really thinking we would just get peace of mind that she was fine and come back home.
We checked in and the nurse knew that I was anxious to check on Sadie, so she skipped over all the initial questions and just began putting the monitor on me to pick up the heartbeat. It was silent and in my heart, I knew immediately that she was gone. Josh was adamant that she had to be fine and I just laid there as the first nurse went to get another nurse to see if she could find it. Every now and then it would pick up my heartbeat which would give us a glimmer of hope until the nurse would clarify that it was actually mine. She was honest with us and told us that not only could the heartbeat not be detected, but she could also not hear the whoosh of fluids that you typically hear. So many other painful memories came next. As hard as it is to relive that time, I am so thankful for the healing that the Lord has provided in these three years. Sadie was born on the 26th, so that is actually her day, but the 25th began the chain of events that changed us forever.
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God. My hope comes from Him."
I am thankful that as believers, we grieve with hope. I am thankful for the promises of His Word and the hope of heaven! I am thankful that our suffering is not meaningless and that He is refining my faith and working for my good in the midst. I am thankful for Jesus; that by His wounds I am healed. And I am thankful that we were created to be relational; not only with our Heavenly Father but with the precious friends and family He has blessed us with to walk through life together. What a precious gift to be sustained through the prayers of the faithful, especially when you are too weak to even know what to pray for yourself.
Sadie Claire, you would be 3 tomorrow. And how my heart aches to see you at 3. Your mommy will hurt for you forever, but I cling to the verse we chose for your headstone. "Better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere." Psalm 84:10