I love fall. The crispness in the air and break from the heat we've had all summer (well almost!), the colors and decorations, all things pumpkin...
But on October 26, 2013 fall became the bearer of a very difficult anniversary. A month ago I could already sense it coming and my feelings came out in this letter I wrote to Sadie. Grief has many different seasons and lately I've just hurt so much for her; shocked that we are a month away from 2 years. 2 years! That is crazy to me.
I can't say thank you enough to the arms and feet of Jesus who have rallied around us during our darkest hour. And continue to do so. We are so thankful for you.
Sadie-bug,
You were my third. I knew what those first few moments of life should be like; the sounds, the cries, the scurry of nurses, the pinkness to a newborns skin. What we experienced with you was such a stark contrast. A delivery room should never be silent. My heart aches for other parents who have known this same sorrow. When you are anticipating life yet receive death, there are just no words. But, Sadie, I am more sure of things now since losing you than ever before. First, I am confident that my God is good and sovereign and faithful. He sees and cares and mourns and redeems. He knows the depth of every hurt and is not Himself a foreigner to pain or loss. His love is deep and wide and all reaching. In my moments of greatest grief, I have never felt alone. He is worthy of our praise. Second, there is no doubt in my mind that your life had purpose. That the 9 months I carried you were not in vain. Your daddy and I pray often for opportunities to share your story and to bring Him glory through your life. We love talking about you, baby girl. When others who don't know our story comment on having 3 girls, my heart screams "I actually have 4." And when the Spirit leads, I share that in those moments. Your life is valued by us, Sadie. I tell Jesus all the time to tell you how much mommy loves and misses you. I know you want for nothing. I know, yet can't fathom, that you are in the presence of the Almighty. I never imagined having a child beat me to the feet of Jesus. But great comfort comes in knowing that's exactly where you are. His Word speaks volumes about His love for the little children. Third, I have seen and experienced the warmth and love of the body of Christ and I know now more than ever that we are to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those experiencing joy. What a beautiful thing it is to be a part of the body. Another precious picture of His faithfulness to us. The heartfelt messages and prayers I still receive minister so much to my heart and remind me that you were loved by so many. We are blessed by those we get to experience life with. Lastly, I've learned that life is fleeting, chaos is ensuing, and my eyes need to be steady on my Savior more now than ever before. We are living in a culture where life is not valued and can be terminated by the label "inconvenience". Sweet Sadie, so many do not even know that you took us by surprise. We had "plans" for when we would begin trying again to grow our family but the Lord blessed us with you instead. But never in my heart did I feel like this sudden change to our plans was an inconvenience. I loved you completely and profoundly from the moment I found out about you. I carried you to 38 weeks, praying daily over you and anticipating life with you. I would give anything to have you here. He is the author, creator and sustainer of life. God, have mercy on us.
As I look back over these last two years, His graciousness is the theme of my heart. In those moments in triage after our world changed forever, and a hundred different thoughts went through my head all pertaining to the question "how am I going to do THIS?", You, Lord, have been gracious in each step. How am I going to tell Macy? You were faithful. How am I going to deliver her? You were faithful. How am I going to face her nursery? The car seat in the car? The bassinet in our room? You were faithful. How in the world am I going to say goodbye? How do I hand her off knowing that my hands would never hold her again this side of Heaven? You were faithful. How are we going to decide on cemetery plots and plan a funeral? You were faithful. And how do I take care of my other precious girls in the throes of grief? You were and are faithful. You have provided what we need for each step. You have been our strength when weakness defined us. God, be glorified.
Sadie, you are always in my heart and even now, my eyes fill with tears any time your name is mentioned. I ache with all that I am to hold you again. And I'm praising Him because I know I will.
Love,
Your mommy
