I've always loved pictures and I have treasured my blog books. But, I've been avoiding my blog because I knew just a few weeks ago I posted "Preparing for Sadie" and had pictures of her baby shower and nursery. The thing about being 38 weeks pregnant is you have everything ready; reminders everywhere. The bassinet by the bed; the nursery; the swing set up in the living room; the smell of fresh diapers when you walked into her room; clothes washed; diaper bag packed; car seat in the car; baby book and scrapbook both filled out and ready. The list goes on and on... And since I'm so Type A, I had also made her Christmas stocking; made Christmas gowns for all 3 girls; bought her Christmas presents from us and the girls; and just finished cousin shirts for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's a very hard thing to go from anticipating her arrival to mourning her loss. I can still feel how strong her movements were and what an active baby she was. I was calling her my "little gymnast".
I've started writing out the details of that day and even the whole week. I will probably keep it with her things as a reminder. But I did want to share some Scripture the Lord kept laying on our hearts throughout last weekend and even prior to losing Sadie.
Josh and I had a conversation probably 3 weeks ago on the way home from Arlington about our dependence on God. We were so comfortable; did we really have a need? The Lord had specifically brought to Josh's mind 2 Corinthians 12:9-10...
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
We shared with each other our struggle with control, especially in regards to our children. Josh even said that he finally told the Lord, "I give you everything, including my family. My children. The things that are most important to me." We had no idea what true weakness was but we could feel the Lord working in both of our hearts about our dependence, or lack of, on Him. The Sunday after we lost Sadie, the Duggars were at Green Acres and my precious sister-in-law, Tennille, was able to briefly share with Jim Bob and Michelle our story and ask for their prayers for our family. Then they all signed a book for us and under Michelle's name she had written "2 Corinthians 12:9". We see you, Lord. We feel your strength.
Another verse that He used over the course of the weekend was Psalm 34:17-18...
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
We had several loved ones send us this passage in the hours after losing Sadie. We will never read it the same again. It brought us great comfort that night.
Sadie came at 3:21AM on Saturday, October 26th. She was 6 pounds 4 ounces and 21 inches long. Exactly Macy and Eden's weight but a full 2 inches longer! That's probably why her movements felt so much stronger to me. The events of that Saturday would have been unbearable apart from the Lord's strength. Delivery is supposed to be such a joyful time, and we were broken. When we first saw Sadie we thought she looked just like Macy. She was beautiful. Leaving the hospital without her was the hardest thing I've ever done. The rest of Saturday consisted of buying cemetery plots and meeting at Stewart Family Funeral Home to discuss her service. Sunday evening, as I was falling asleep, Josh was reading Romans 8:35-39 over us...
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Sadie's service was Monday morning and Tim Roberts officiated for us. He included a few passages Josh and I had shared with him the day before, but then he also quoted this exact passage from Romans. Again, we felt the Lord's presence so strongly, affirming He is with us.
Sadie's verse we chose and prayed over her is Colossians 1:10...
"So that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God."
We had no idea how the Lord was going to answer this prayer for Sadie. Her knowledge of who He is is now complete; being in His presence she sees and knows in a way we can't until we join her.
The last passage is from Philippians 1:22-26. One of my biggest struggles this past week is this feeling of being torn. My children are not all in the same place and my Mommy heart has been struggling with that. If I fully engage in Macy and Eden and experience joy through them, then I feel like I am leaving Sadie out. If I grieve and disengage from my girls then obviously I am disconnected from them. It's been a really hard thing for me this week. The Lord brought the Philippians passage to me through my sweet sister-in-law Kristin...
"If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."
God's Word is active and living and there are passages that I will never be able to read the same. We are forever changed because of Sadie Claire Gentry. My arms ache to hold her again, but we truly are resting in His peace.
He is faithful
